I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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