Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
