she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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