you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
