My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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