i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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