I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
