i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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