I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
