She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
