The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
