My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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