We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
