Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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