I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm having to shit out rocks
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
