the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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