Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
