did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
