JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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