i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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