he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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