1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
