remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
