i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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