And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
