she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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