Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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