Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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