I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
