Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
