it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
