It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
