I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
