I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
