Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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