Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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