im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
