weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I believe in your delicious
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
