i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Do you still have your period?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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