Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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