dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
