I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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