i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
