When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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