you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
