Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
