I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
what day is it and did you see me today?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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