I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
