Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Two words: blizzard sex
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
