What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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