Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
